FIRSTS
Ah, the year of firsts - oh how I don't miss you! The first birthday, Easter, vacation time, Christmas and celebrating his retirement. All the mountains of paperwork, taxes, decisions. There is a reason the experts tell you not to make any decisions in the first year. That reason I affectionately call Widows Brain. Almost the minute your spouse dies, your mind goes into a fog. For me the initial fog lasted for about two months, however, it didn't completely go away. After two years, three months and a couple of weeks, I still have it to some degree. At first I thought I was in control and understood everything. It was some months later, I realized I did not have a hot clue about what all had transpired. I am thankful that it I did not make any major decisions until almost after the first year. I maybe should have waited a bit to sell our house. I was afraid of the house - the boiler, the 80 foot driveway to shovel/snow blow, even the stairs that had a weird turn to them. In my widows brain, I was so sure that if I had a different place, my mind would rest. Not so, my house sold so fast, I only had two weeks to find a place and ended up in a very nice condo in the country. I do love the country though, the place is not right for me. Also, I was only thinking of myself when I sold and not the kids and grand kids and how it would affect them. Bad decision, made good in that I live closer to all my kids now. Back to the paperwork. I would suggest getting a trusted friend or one of your children to help you with all the forms etc. I did it all on my own, even though I asked my son to help, in the end he was grieving to hard and it wasn't a good idea to go that route. I was to proud to ask a friend to help, or even our lawyer who is a friend. Of course it all came back at me and I had to second guess why I did something one way when it should have been another. God is faithful, however, and it has all worked out.
Relationships with everyone changes. Your children and grandchildren are grieving just as hard as you are. There will be things said and done that at another time would not affect the relationship but just now they do. Friends will drop away - some because they are uncomfortable with death, some because they think their husband/wife might decide to take up company with you, some because they cannot understand the changes in you, and some just naturally float out of your life. It became a lonely time. It became a time where my brain would not stop - it was too full. During a course of a day they say women say 15,000 words and men say 10,000. When I became a widow and it is still an ongoing issue, all the thoughts I have are caught in my brain. They need to come out. I still haven't found someone I can share with on a regular basis, so I learned to talk to my husband, talk to God and talk to the dog in an audible voice. It works! I work mainly by myself at my job. I certainly don't say my 15,000 words, and very often at work now, I get teased about talking to myself. I now understand why I often see older people talking quietly to themselves. They are not losing their mind - they just need to get the words out so the brain can work properly.I am still on the fence about going to a psychologist, or Christian counselor. I tend to be stubborn in that sense. I do feel though that if I really felt I needed it I would go.
This is how the first year looked to me. At some point down the road I will allow myself to amend or add to my account of the first year. Right now this is all I have.
Jean
Ah, the year of firsts - oh how I don't miss you! The first birthday, Easter, vacation time, Christmas and celebrating his retirement. All the mountains of paperwork, taxes, decisions. There is a reason the experts tell you not to make any decisions in the first year. That reason I affectionately call Widows Brain. Almost the minute your spouse dies, your mind goes into a fog. For me the initial fog lasted for about two months, however, it didn't completely go away. After two years, three months and a couple of weeks, I still have it to some degree. At first I thought I was in control and understood everything. It was some months later, I realized I did not have a hot clue about what all had transpired. I am thankful that it I did not make any major decisions until almost after the first year. I maybe should have waited a bit to sell our house. I was afraid of the house - the boiler, the 80 foot driveway to shovel/snow blow, even the stairs that had a weird turn to them. In my widows brain, I was so sure that if I had a different place, my mind would rest. Not so, my house sold so fast, I only had two weeks to find a place and ended up in a very nice condo in the country. I do love the country though, the place is not right for me. Also, I was only thinking of myself when I sold and not the kids and grand kids and how it would affect them. Bad decision, made good in that I live closer to all my kids now. Back to the paperwork. I would suggest getting a trusted friend or one of your children to help you with all the forms etc. I did it all on my own, even though I asked my son to help, in the end he was grieving to hard and it wasn't a good idea to go that route. I was to proud to ask a friend to help, or even our lawyer who is a friend. Of course it all came back at me and I had to second guess why I did something one way when it should have been another. God is faithful, however, and it has all worked out.
Relationships with everyone changes. Your children and grandchildren are grieving just as hard as you are. There will be things said and done that at another time would not affect the relationship but just now they do. Friends will drop away - some because they are uncomfortable with death, some because they think their husband/wife might decide to take up company with you, some because they cannot understand the changes in you, and some just naturally float out of your life. It became a lonely time. It became a time where my brain would not stop - it was too full. During a course of a day they say women say 15,000 words and men say 10,000. When I became a widow and it is still an ongoing issue, all the thoughts I have are caught in my brain. They need to come out. I still haven't found someone I can share with on a regular basis, so I learned to talk to my husband, talk to God and talk to the dog in an audible voice. It works! I work mainly by myself at my job. I certainly don't say my 15,000 words, and very often at work now, I get teased about talking to myself. I now understand why I often see older people talking quietly to themselves. They are not losing their mind - they just need to get the words out so the brain can work properly.I am still on the fence about going to a psychologist, or Christian counselor. I tend to be stubborn in that sense. I do feel though that if I really felt I needed it I would go.
This is how the first year looked to me. At some point down the road I will allow myself to amend or add to my account of the first year. Right now this is all I have.
Jean
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